1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
