You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
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My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
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That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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