I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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