i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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