my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
