Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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