im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
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he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
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It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
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