shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
