i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum