I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
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We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
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Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.