Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
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did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
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Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety