If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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