Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
