i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
