If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
