That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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