Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
