a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
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