i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
be right there i have to get my cape
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
