just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
