I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
