whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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