just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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