i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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