not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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