just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
