You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
