I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
