I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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