Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
being pregnant is like rehab
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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