The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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