It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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