Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
