i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
