Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
