So drunk its hurt
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Randomize
