Your mouth is God's brothel.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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