even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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