what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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