I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
