did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
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