It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
