How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
