I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
