upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
