proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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