hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
