Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
