I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
