I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
