i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
