he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
