I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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