I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Randomize
