She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
