is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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