I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
