I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
