How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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