Your face is a jimmy john
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
