i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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