help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
