"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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