First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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