Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
