I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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