She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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